If I could sit down with my 30 or 35-year-old (maybe even younger) self right before the holidays, I’d gently take away her to-do list, pour her a glass of wine, and say:
“Sweetie, nobody is giving out trophies for Christmas”
I know you don’t believe me, Martha Mae (don’t know who Martha Mae is? The Grinch. Sit down and watch the Grinch).
Right now you’re convinced that the holidays are only magical if you personally create every bit of that magic. You’re decorating every corner of the house, making lists for your lists, and secretly judging yourself because Susan down the street somehow managed to put bows on her outdoor lanterns while you haven’t finished shopping.
Take a breath. Years from now, you’ll realize most of what you’re stressing about doesn’t matter nearly as much as you think it does. (The food, the wrapping, the in-laws wrapping….)
Let’s Talk About the Wrapping Paper Situation
This is important. Are you’re still wrapping every single Santa gift. Every. Single. One.
Not only are you wrapping gifts from family members, you’re wrapping gifts from Santa, too. You’re sitting on the floor until well after midnight surrounded by tape, scissors, bows, gift tags, and what appears to be enough wrapping paper to cover a small nation.
Then Christmas morning arrives and those beautifully wrapped gifts that took hours to create are ripped open in approximately seventeen seconds. I need you to know something. Future you has retired from that job.
Thank goodness now, Santa now has an Amazon account. Sometimes gifts arrive in gift bags. Sometimes they come in Amazon gift wrap. Nobody has filed a complaint. Nobody has required therapy (I don’t think). Nobody has gathered for an emergency family meeting to discuss the decline of wrapping standards.
Nobody Cares About the Things You Think They Care About
Remember how you’d panic if the house wasn’t looking okay before company arrived? Or at least picked up to a certain extent. You’d be scrubbing baseboards while hiding laundry baskets like you were concealing evidence from a crime scene.
Meanwhile, people would walk in and say things like: “Wow, it smells good in here.” That’s it. Not one person ever complimented a baseboard. Not one.
The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that people remember how they felt in your home, not whether the guest bathroom had holiday hand towels (usually it was just kitchen holiday towels).
Stop Trying to Make Every Holiday Perfect
One of the greatest gifts midlife gives you is the realization that perfection is incredibly overrated. Something always goes wrong (and it certainly has).
The pie burns. Someone gets sick. A package arrives late. A relative says something awkward the Christmas party. A dog steals food off the table.
Honestly, if none of those things happen, was it even a family holiday? The moments we laugh about for years are almost never the perfect ones. They’re the disasters.The mishaps. They create the stories.
The year the kids (thanks to a certain child) found their Christmas gifts early in their hiding spot.
Your Energy Is a Limited Resource
This took me much longer to learn than I’d like to admit. After 40, you still think energy is something you can simply manufacture through determination and coffee. Future me has bad news. You cannot. Well, not indefinitely.
The holidays became so much more enjoyable once I stopped trying to do everything.I stopped volunteering (at work) for everything (Well, this year, I will stop).
And an amazing thing will happen and will continue year after year. Christmas will still arrive. In fact, it will actually be more enjoyable. Who knew?
Dear daughter, buy the Cookies
I’m giving you official permission. Buy. The Cookies. The cookies kits. Buy them. There was a time when I thought every holiday memory required baking from scratch or at least a few batches.
Now? The local bakery exists for a reason. Use it. Proudly. If nobody can tell the difference, and you’re less stressed, that’s what I call a Christmas miracle.
Of course, if baking relaxes you and gives you joy. Do it. Do want brings you joy at Christmas.
Take More Pictures of Yourself
This one sneaks up on you. You spend years taking pictures of everyone else. The kids. The pets. The decorations. Especially the decorations. The tree. The presents. Meanwhile, you barely appear in any holiday photos. Get in the picture. Even if your hair isn’t cooperating (usually isn’t).
Even if you’re wearing leggings. Even if you’ve been cleaning all day.
Years from now, nobody will be looking at those photos thinking about your wrinkles or whether you’d gained ten pounds or twenty. Get in the picture. You will probably look better than the future you. Frankly, people will just be happy you’re there.
The Greatest Midlife Holiday Gift
Want to know the best thing about holiday season in midlife? You finally stop trying so hard. You realize that memories aren’t made by matching wrapping paper (okay I may try even harder at this one now). Joy isn’t measured by the number of cookies baked. Love doesn’t require a perfectly decorated mantel.
The magic was the life and the traditions. The Christmas movies playing in the background (every year the same one). The quiet moments before everyone wakes up.
The older I get, the more I think the best holiday tradition is simply letting go of the ones that no longer serve us. Because these days Santa shops online, Amazon wraps, and eveyone gets to enjoy an extra cup of coffee instead.
That’s the kind of holiday magic I’ve learned to appreciate.
Final Thought
Dear daughter: I know one of you will become the holiday perfectionist and it may have already started. With the decor, the wrapping, the endless shopping, the food (some of the food is really good). All great things. They do make the holidays what they are, but just remember one thing – make sure exhaustion isn’t the thing you remember as well.
This goes to all of your Martha Mae(s) out there. And Happy Holidays.
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